Full Moon issue #4
Hello wonderful people,
May this Full Moon illuminate your heart’s desires and our collective path towards liberation. If the world has felt heavy lately, please know that you’re not alone. If the world has felt hopeless, please know that you’re not alone. If the world has felt unbearable, please know that you’re not alone. For more thoughts on this, please read on and, as always, feel free to hit reply and let me know what you think or what you’d like to reflect on in future issues. Your questions are always welcome here.
Reflection corner
How to carry the weight of the world.
I spent a whole day crying last weekend. I just couldn’t stop, so I let myself be where I was at. It wasn’t easy, but I didn’t have much of a choice either. The tears just kept coming. I usually try to focus on gratitude and on action, but I am also a very watery sign, if you believe in such things, and sometimes I just need to let my feelings be. There was a lot to cry for: climate crisis, multiple genocides (many of which have gone on for decades or, in some cases, even centuries), the rise of global fascism, including in my beloved country of origin, the seemingly never-ending onslaught of anti-trans sentiment and legislation, recent death anniversaries of beloveds, more Black folks dying at the hands of the police, beloved community being impacted by the flash floods and hurricane Beryl, and more personal stuff too, like aging while disabled and finding out that my own spine keeps deteriorating at a fast pace. So I cried, because my bodymind could no longer contain all the feelings when I finally had a day off, by myself. Then I spent the week talking with clients, supervisees and colleagues about the weight of the world. How do we support others when we can barely support ourselves right now? How do we carry the weight of the world, at this moment?
If you know me and/or my work, you will likely be unsurprised to know that I have no definitive answers for you, or even for myself. However, as usual, I am happy to share what I keep learning through my own experiences and by listening to the wisdom of those around me. Here are a few of those things. I am sure more will emerge in time.
This is not the first moment in history we have faced so much. However, it might be the first moment in history when we are so connected via social media and the Internet, that we are constantly flooded with news from all corners. I personally find comfort in knowing that this is not an exceptional moment, even though it is a very scary one indeed. If this feels like a new moment, I gently invite you to ask yourselves how your privilege might have protected you from feeling the weight of the world until now. I am not asking you to spiral into shame or guilt, but simply to notice how systems of power, privilege and oppression keep us separated from each other’s humanity as well as from our own humanity.
I speak with Ancestors and Mysterious Ones and friends and community. When I want to isolate myself because it all feels heavy, I reach out to my allies to remember that I am not alone. Grieving and raging and organizing feels so much more possible with others. Colonialism and white supremacy thrive on isolation. We resist through community, connection with Spirit (whatever that might mean to us), and love.
In the morning, I wake up, make my bed, care for my bodymind and my household, and I show up to whatever the work of that day is. It might feel trivial sometimes but I know I cannot hold others, let alone the world, if I don’t hold myself first. On days when I cannot hold myself, I ask for help. It’s incredibly hard to do, but I have learned that if I just give, and I am not willing to ask and receive, I am just engaging in saviorism and/or people pleasing, rather than being in relationship with the world around me.
I try to focus on what I can control and try hard to not ruminate on what is outside of my control (believe me, as a neurodivergent person, this is incredibly hard). This doesn’t mean that I ignore things that are outside of my control but rather that I ask myself questions like: what can I do in this moment; how can I prepare for what’s coming and for what’s here already; what kind of ancestor am I training to be; how do I show up?
I remember that I am not alone, which means I am not carrying anything by myself, even though it might feel like I am sometimes. My trauma brain can be particularly hurtful and judgmental towards myself, but I keep cultivating self-compassion and reminding myself that even when I feel alone, the love of the Earth themselves is keeping me here through the gift of gravity. I look up at the sky, I feel the air on my skin, I might even hug a tree if I need a little more love and I remember that I could never be alone.
We were never meant to carry the weight of the world alone. If we feel isolated and over-burdened, it is by design, so that we don’t remember the power of connection, of relationship, of community, of love, so that we acquiesce to the tyranny of oppression. My beloved elder and queer sib Donald Engstrom-Reese has taught me that balance is not an individual endeavor but, rather, a community-wide one. There cannot be balance without community. The older I get, the more I learn that kinship, to be in relationship with myself, with those around me, with the ecosystem I am part of, is essential. It can take a lot of healing and work to be in authentic kinship, but it’s so worth it because what else is there? What could possibly be queerer in this world right now than centering the web of relationships that keeps us connected to one another and to this life itself? What is liberation if not the work of love, everyday, including love for ourselves because we too are not separate from the world? What is love if not liberation for each and everyone of us? We were never meant to carry the weight of the world alone.
Upcoming events and projects
I am honored to have been invited to present the final keynote for the virtual Fifth Annual Minnesota Mobile Mental Health Crisis Response Unit. The theme of this year’s conference is: Compassion. Connection. Community. On August 7th, I will give an online keynote on From self-care to community care: cultivating compassion for ourselves and each other in crisis. You can find out more about the event and register, if you like, here.
On September 12th and 13th, if you are an MFT in Minnesota (although you can also attend if you live elsewhere), come and say hello at our annual conference for the Minnesota Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. Our theme is The Joy of Connection, and we have some wonderful presentations scheduled for you! You can find out more and register here. It will be my last year as conference co-chair and Board President for MAMFT and I hope to see many of my therapist colleagues there.
In-person training on October 5th, 2024 (masks required) on the territories of the Multnomah, Wasco, Cowlitz, Kathlamet, Clackamas, Bands of Chinook, Tualatin, Kalapuya, Molalla, and many other tribal nations who made their homes along the Columbia River, currently known as Portland, Oregon (USA). This is an AASECT-approved training for therapists, counselors, and coaches hosted by Connective Therapy Collective on Working Systemically with Mixed-Orientation Relationships. You can register here! If you would like me to do something else in that geographical area, now it’s a good time to let me know and ask! Thank you.
The in-person training events (masks required) on Mi'kmaq’s territories, currently known as Nova Scotia (Canada) have been moved to the Fall! Please note the new dates below. Some of them are almost full so please sign up now if you’re interested. Thanks!
A SAR on October 22nd and 23rd, 2024 & an Advanced SAR on Kink on October 27th and 28th, 2024. Online registration & full details on both SARs can be found at: bit.ly/SARHalifax Both will provide AASECT CEs!
A Working with Neurodivergent Clients from a Disability Justice Centered Perspective workshop on October 20th, 2024. You can find out more and register at: bit.ly/NDHalifax
Thank you to the Queer and Trans Therapists of Nova Scotia (QTTNS) for hosting me and inviting me to do this! I have not done an in-person SAR, besides the advanced SAR at AASECT last year, since before the pandemic and this is the only in-person SAR I have planned for this year! These SAR events are very affordable, compared to usual AASECT CEs pricing, so I hope you will not miss them!
In November, I will be giving two presentations at the Systemic Family Therapy Conference in Orlando, Florida (I know, I know, it wasn’t an easy decision). On Monday November 4th, I will talk about Doing Sex Therapy with Trans, Nonbinary &/or Gender Expansive Clients and on November 5th, I will discuss How Gender Liberation Can Benefit All Families. You can find out more about the annual AAMFT Systemic Fmily Therapy Conference and register here.
The book MJ Barker and I finished co-writing last summer, How To Understand Your Relationships: a practical guide will be published by Jessica Kingsley Publishers (JKP) on January 21st, 2025. The anthology I edited (and have 1 piece in) Trans and Disabled will also be published by JKP at that time!
I have two more books in the works and some other exciting projects I am brewing so watch this space! I’ve also been interviewed by a couple of podcasts and I look forward to sharing these links once the episodes are out. In the meantime, have you listened to the latest episodes of my podcast Gender Stories? It’s available wherever you listen to podcasts, including on YouTube now!
Would you like me to do an event at your local, independent bookstore or hire me to speak somewhere? Please contact me directly for bookstore events or media queries, hire me through this speakers bureau, or check out my website for more information on speaking engagements: alexiantaffi.com Thanks!
Let’s support each other!
Remember: we keep each other safe, healthy and creative!
Sadly the remnants of Hurricane Beryl hit Vermont again this July and two dear friends lost their home and all their belongings, alongside 12 other humans and 5 cats who also rented at the building called the Heartbreak Hotel. The small community of Plainfield (VT) where they live was greatly impacted and there are several fundraisers that have not yet reached their goal. You can find a list of those GoFundMe fundraisers here. Please donate and share if you can. Thank you!
I am thrilled that my friend and teacher, award-winning singer, percussionist and author, Alessandra Belloni, has been given a small grant by Casa Italiana Zereilli Marimo, at New York University, towards the cost of finally filming a documentary based on her best-selling book Healing Journeys with the Black Madonna (Inner Traditions | Bear and Company, 2019). However, the grant only covers part of the cost and she needs to fundraise the rest. Please donate if you can and share the fundraiser with your networks. Thank you! This work is so close to my heart as someone who was brought up with some of the devotional practices to the Black Madonna, especially the Black Madonna of Tindari. I traveled with Alessandra to Campania in 2022 and Sicilia in 2023 and both were transformative, healing experiences!
HEAL Palestine is a nonpolitical, nonprofit humanitarian organization with more than three decades of building programs and projects in Palestine. You can sign up for their newsletter, find out more and/or donate here.
Tay could still use your support please! He and his partner are trying to get some stability in housing, clear medical bills and secure a car to access medical appointments. If you can, please donate to their GoFundMe. They’re almost halfway there but they need your support! Thank you!
What I am exploring in my free time
Please note that none of these links are sponsored. If I ever advertise something as an affiliate, I will make it very clear! Thanks!
I am currently binge watching Seeking Sister Wife and I am finding it fascinating both as a family therapist and as a polyamorous person! In case you didn’t know, I love reality TV. Humans are my special interest after all!
As everything blooms around me, I am re-reading the wonderful zine Give The Gays Their Flowers. Flower Essences for Queer and Trans Liberation by my friend Courtney Mae Cochran, a wonderful local herbalist. It’s currently on sale and you can get a physical copy or a digital download here. I have always combined western medicine with herbal medicine given that the latter is also part of how I was brought up in Italy. I find flower essences to offer gentle yet clear support to my nervous system!
I am getting ready for my first ballroom dance showcase in September with one of my nesting partners. Not sure yet if I will feel ready by then, but our teacher has been drilling us on waltz (bronze 1) for some time! I love how inclusive and welcoming our studio, North Shore Ballroom, is (I know the pics on the website are a little cisheteronormative but the studio isn’t!)! I have danced in a number of styles since I was very young and I stopped taking classes eventually because I haven’t always felt welcome in dance spaces as a trans and queer person. It’s so healing to be able to get back into something I love so much and it’s a great motivator to keep going to physical therapy so I can keep dancing as long as my bodymind will let me. And in case you’re wondering, I dance as a follower, and I enjoy feeling like the genderqueer princess I am when I do!
If you made it this far, thank you! I hope you have found this interesting, useful or enjoyable in some way. If so, feel free to pass this on to a friend or, better yet, pass on the link to subscribe directly! Thank you for being here!
Let’s keep opening our hearts to one another (with consent and when it’s safe enough to do so) and transform our perspectives together!
Alex