Full Moon issue #3
Hello wonderful people,
Apologies for sending this newsletter out late! I was busy celebrating the Strawberry Full Moon, Summer Solstice and La Notte delle Streghe last week and decided to be kind to myself and get to this when I could. As always, please feel free to hit reply to connect with me directly. If there is a topic you would like me to address, or a question you’d like me to tackle in future newsletters, please let me know. This month’s reflection is, in fact, brought to you by a wonderful reader who sent me a kind email and a question. Read on to find out more. Thank you!
Reflection corner
On transformation, healing, connection and Pride.
I am grateful to have been sent this question, which I have consent to share with y’all, by one of my readers from Switzerland: “How can I stay in connection throughout my own healing and transformation”? They also added some more context about their situation and included this sentence, which really resonated for me: “It feels like I have lost and found myself at once”. I know that in my own journey I have often felt this way: lost and found at once. I have always been someone who questions norms and authority. I am not sure if it’s because of my own neurospiciness, or because of being brought up by a (likely neurospicy) father who was a card-carrying communist, labor organizer and teacher. Regardless of the reason, I have had a tendency to question, pull apart, unpack and rebuild my life, identities, relationships and communities in a number of ways over the past five decades,
In this process, I often feel the tension between different parts of myself, the needs and wants of others, the influence of popular culture, the desire to belong and the confusion thrown in by my own trauma history. There are reasons why I have the words “paradox” and “discernment” tattooed on my forearms! While this tension can be incredibly creative and generative at times, it can also be hard, painful and, quite frankly, tiring. There are days when I want nothing more than to live outside of the liminal. I want the comfort of certainty, of truth, of simple binaries and easy answers. This comfort probably doesn’t exist for many people but it sure is a nice fantasy when the world feels heavy. For example, this month Pride is celebrated in many places, given that the anniversary of the Stonewall riots is on June 28th and I have been reflecting on my own queerness as well as where we are right now as a community as global fascism continues to rise. I remember my very first Pride march in London in 1998. I was so excited and scared at once. Coming out is never a one-time event, but rather a never-ending series of disclosures and choices, taking chances, risking relationships and communities. I remember being afraid of losing everything when I started to realize my own queerness in the mid 1990s. I didn’t know if I would lose my family of origin or friends. I knew I would lose the religion that had been my lifeboat until that point. There were so many unknowns, and so much fear, but I also knew that I couldn’t ignore these parts of myself that were demanding attention and care. That first Pride march was my declaration of independence from my past. As I lost myself in the crowd emerging from the tube into the busy streets of London, I felt part of something larger and bigger than me. I realized that this too was church, this too was spirit. I was lost to my past but I was also found in the present. Ancestors were walking alongside us. I didn’t know almost anyone but I wasn’t alone. I was part of this beautiful, loud, angry, protesting, loving, joyful river of queerness snaking and shaking along. In that moment I knew in my bones that, no matter what, I wouldn’t be alone, even if everyone I had known were to turn away from me.
Connection is a tricky thing. I know that, as a human, and especially an autistic person, I yearn and long for it. Every culture generally has rituals of connection around food, music, dance and rites of passage. Those are ways in which we heal, connect and transform. So why is it tricky? Because we cannot connect alone. We are only one piece of the connection. We don’t know if others are going to be available for the vulnerability and intimacy of connection, even the fleeting connection of a moment of authentic presence between strangers. We also live in dominant cultures that generally do not encourage connection. Feeling isolated and unhappy makes us better consumers under capitalism after all! Happy, connected people who feel belonging just don’t tend to buy as much stuff, and they can even share resources with one another! It would make sense that many of us might feel lost and afraid of losing connection with those around us, as we unpack and challenge beliefs, ideas and identities that we inherited and absorbed from others (e.g., family, culture, language, place, religion and so on). I honestly don’t know if there is a way of avoiding this. Transformation is always a risk. Does the caterpillar know they will become a butterfly, or do they just feel like they are dying when they become a pupa? I know there have been times when I have felt like parts of me were dying, but often they were just being composted to nurture new, more expansive selves.
Transformation and healing are not pretty processes. When we go from one shape to a different one, it’s uncomfortable. If we were physically shapeshifting our bones and sinews would break to reknit into a new being. Transformation is a form of shapeshifting. It’s a change that requires breaking of patterns, habits, thoughts, feelings and ways of being that are no longer compatible with who we are as we heal and change. Healing can entail cleaning up wounds from the past that might need to be opened up once more to remove any debris trapped underneath the surface. Don’t get me wrong, we need transformation and healing. They are essential to growth and to being able to connect with ourselves and others. However, if we are not bypassing the magic of this work, healing and transformation are not a walk in the park on a sunny yet breezy and pleasantly cool day. At least in my experience, since, as always, your experience might be completely different from mine, and that is more than ok! They can also feel like lonely, internal processes, especially in dominant cultures where healing has been medicalized and individualized. When we transform into what dominant cultures have cast as the monsters in our community, it can be even scarier. I came of age as an adolescent during the beginning of the AIDS epidemic. Having sex outside of heterosexual marriage, let alone same gender sex, or doing drugs, were depicted as equal to a death sentence. No wonder it took me a moment (or three) to come out as bisexual and then trans! What do you do when you find out you’ve been the monster under the bed all along? If we’re lucky, we find out that there are communities of beautiful shapeshifters, and that there is a whole world underneath that bed to explore!
I’m not sure whether I have answered the question at all in this reflection. I guess that what I am trying to say is that it’s ok to be lost and found at the same time, to feel disconnected to the old yet connected to something new, even if we might not be sure what that something is yet. Personally, I have found that staying as vulnerable as I am able, willing to heal and be transformed by life, has helped me stay connected, even though sometimes I still feel incredibly alone. My own experience tells me that feeling alone is a lie told by trauma. When I am available for connection, life is right there waiting for me. I remember my beloved friend Copper, who died four years ago yesterday, talking about how green bloods and the sun and the sky are right there, waiting for us to recognize our inevitable belonging and connection. I know that often I am the one who is closed off to the reality of the erotic pulsing of life coursing through my veins just as easily as the sap that runs through the beloved birch trees around where I live. As Mary Oliver writes in one of my favorite poems, “Wild Geese”:
“Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting-
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.”.
How can we stay in connection throughout our own healing and transformation then? Maybe an answer is that there is simply no way not to. By virtue of existing, of being part of nature, we are in kinship, in all our pain, beauty, struggle, and queerness.
Happy Pride beloveds! Until we are all free…
Upcoming events and projects
The in-person training events (masks required) on Mi'kmaq’s territories, currently known as Nova Scotia (Canada) have been moved to the Fall! Please note the new dates below. Thanks!
A SAR on October 22nd and 23rd, 2024 & an Advanced SAR on Kink on October 27th and 28th, 2024. Online registration & full details on both SARs can be found at: bit.ly/SARHalifax Both will provide AASECT CEs!
A “Working with Neurodivergent Clients from a Disability Justice Centered Perspective” workshop on October 20th, 2024. You can find out more and register at: bit.ly/NDHalifax
Thank you to the Queer and Trans Therapists of Nova Scotia (QTTNS) for hosting me and inviting me to do this! I have not done an in-person SAR, besides the advanced SAR at AASECT last year, since before the pandemic and this is the only in-person SAR I have planned for this year! These SAR events are very affordable, compared to usual AASECT CEs pricing, so I hope you will not miss them!
In-person training on October 5th, 2024 (masks required) on the territories of the Multnomah, Wasco, Cowlitz, Kathlamet, Clackamas, Bands of Chinook, Tualatin, Kalapuya, Molalla, and many other tribal nations who made their homes along the Columbia River, currently known as Portland, Oregon (USA). This is an AASECT-approved training for therapists, counselors, and coaches hosted by Connective Therapy Collective on “Working Systemically with Mixed-Orientation Relationships”. You can register here! If you would like me to do something else in that geographical area, now it’s a good time to let me know and ask! Thank you.
The in-person relational intensive for couples &/or polycules on Abenaki territories, currently known as Stowe, Vermont (USA) has been postponed. However, you can follow @edginghearts on Instagram or email at info@edginghearts.com for more information on how to apply when the time comes. Natalia Holubec and I want to take the time we need to develop this first offering fully and make sure it is a transformative and joyful experience for participants!
The book MJ Barker and I finished co-writing last summer, “How To Understand Your Relationships: a practical guide” will be published by Jessica Kingsley Publishers (JKP) on January 21st, 2025. The anthology I edited (and have 1 piece in) “Trans and Disabled” should also be published by JKP at that time!
I have two more books in the works and some other exciting projects I am brewing so watch this space! I’ve also been interviewed by a couple of podcasts and I look forward to sharing these links once the episodes are out.
Would you like me to do an event at your local, independent bookstore or hire me to speak somewhere? Please contact me directly for bookstore events or media queries, hire me through this speakers bureau, or check out my website for more information on speaking engagements: alexiantaffi.com Thanks!
Let’s support each other!
Remember: we keep each other safe, healthy and creative!
Operation Olive Branch is a grassroots movement to support & amplify aid requests of Palestinian families. They have a very useful spreadsheet with all sorts of opportunities to help! If you have been wondering about how to support people in Palestine during this time, this could be the resource you have been looking for! Please note that the spreadsheet has many tabs and that it might take a moment to figure out how to navigate it. You can learn more about Operation Olive Branch at their linktree here.
Tay could still use your support please! He and his partner are trying to get some stability in housing, clear medical bills and secure a car to access medical appointments. If you can, please donate to their GoFundMe. Thank you!
I am grateful to my publisher, Jessica Kingsley, for agreeing to donate some books to the LGBT Books to Prisoners, a trans-affirming, racial justice-focused, prison abolitionist project. You can find out how to donate money and/or books here. Thanks!
What I am exploring in my free time
Please note that none of these links are sponsored. If I ever advertise something as an affiliate, I will make it very clear! Thanks!
I finally watched Bridgerton season 3 and I have to say that, for me, this was the best season yet! I don’t want to give away any spoilers but let’s just say that this season made my queer, polyamorous, feminist heart pretty happy!
Recently, I’ve also started rewatching Jessica Jones. Apparently my inner teen protector really wanted to watch a strong woman kick some a$$. CN: there is a lot of violence, including sexual assault, and depiction of PTSD symptoms in this series.
There is also a new season of Dr. Who out (yes, I do watch a lot of TV. It helps me relax & switch my ADHD brain off a little in the evenings). Ncuti Gatwa is the 15th and best Doctor yet in my humble opinion! This season also brought some great they/them moments! No spoilers though so that is all I’ll share.
I just started Summer Biz Camp with the wonderful Tristan Katz and Brooke Monaghan. If you know me, you know that business, marketing and similar are not my favorite topics. However, Tristan and Brooke make these topics not just bearable but possible for me to engage with by bringing a lens that is critical of systems power, privilege and oppression. I am so grateful for their work. They also have a podcast you can listen to!
Finally, I’ve been listening to a lot of Jovanotti and Michael Franti lately. They help me stay in touch with hope and get me moving and dancing every time!
If you made it this far, thank you! I hope you have found this interesting, useful or enjoyable in some way. If so, feel free to pass this on to a friend or, better yet, pass on the link to subscribe directly! Thank you for being here!
Let’s keep opening our hearts to one another (with consent and when it’s safe enough to do so) and transform our perspectives together!
Alex