Full Moon issue #2
Hello wonderful people,
Welcome to the second issue of my Transforming Perspectives newsletter! Please feel free to hit reply to connect with me directly. If there is a topic you would like me to address, or a question you’d like me to tackle in future newsletters, please let me know! Thank you.
Reflection corner
Healing is not for the faint of heart, yet it’s for everyone: a paradox.
May is Mental Health Awareness Month, as well as Ehlers-Danlos Syndromes (EDS) and Hypermobility Spectrum Disorders (HSD) Awareness Month. When I was thinking about what I wanted to write for this newsletter, I found myself coming back to the idea of healing, again and again. Given that I am a mental health provider and systemic psychotherapist, this might come as no surprise. Of course I would think of healing! However, I am not just thinking of healing as a provider, I am also thinking of this process as someone who lives with cPTSD, lifelong, chronic suicidal ideation and, who is aging with hEDS (EDS of the hypermobile kind).
I believe that, far too often, we think of healing in a dichotomized way: those who need healing (clients, patients, seekers, traumatized people, sick people, etc.) and those who provide it (healers, providers, doctors, etc.). This way of thinking is not only steeped in colonial benevolence, white supremacy and patriarchy, but it’s also deeply harmful for all of us, in my opinion. It’s harmful because it perpetuates the illusion that healing is a destination, and a desirable one, rather than a process that is dynamic and relational. When we think of healing as the destination, aka “the goal”, we can often come to think of ourselves as broken, imperfect, not-yet-loveable, and we risk turning ourselves into a self-improvement project. If such a thing as “those who have healed and/or been cured” exists, and we don’t fall within those ranks, there must be something wrong with us. Maybe we’re not trying hard enough, or have not found the right diagnosis, or approach to “heal” us. These beliefs are not just internalized by those of us who struggle with chronic health issues, including mental health issues, but are also reflected in the way some people interact with us. Many of us who have chronic health struggles have experienced being asked whether we tried this type of exercise, food, supplement, therapeutic approach, healing modalities and so on.
Thinking of healing as a destination can also make us feel superior to others sometimes, if we feel we have “done our work”. If we have indeed put all these efforts into healing and we feel we have “arrived” at this mythical place, if something is not working in a relational dynamic at work or in our personal life, we might be tempted to blame it on others not being healed, or not having done enough or any “work”. What happens then when we think of healing as a process, and as all of us engaging in this process at some point or another in our life? Personally, as a disabled person who had the good fortune to be exposed to disability activism and scholarship for the past 30 years, I have learned that participating in healing is different than seeking a cure. As an aside, if you’re interested in an in-depth exploration of the concept of “cure”, I invite you to read Eli Clare’s award-winning book “Brilliant Imperfection: Grappling with Cure”. For me, learning that seeking a cure was different from healing was pivotal to radically accepting myself, and everyone else, as already whole. If we’re already whole though, why would we even need healing?
In an overculture that too often tells us how broken and imperfect we are, because capitalism thrives on us feeling like there is something missing that maybe the next book, medication, movement class or healing modality can fix, healing, for me, has meant coming back to myself as whole. In many ways, it’s a process of decolonizing my mind by refusing to believe that I’m inherently flawed or, within a Christian paradigm, sinful. If I accept myself as whole, I also accept that I am loveable and deserving of compassion and care, especially when I’m suffering. If I accept myself as whole, my bodymind can have the grace, slowness, spaciousness, and support we all deserve. If I accept myself as whole, I understand that I can both be hurt and hurt others, that I do have power and agency even though a part of me might still feel like a helpless child at times, because of trauma. If I accept myself as whole, I can be shameless, know and own all parts of myself, especially the “scary” ones, and I can extend that acceptance and compassion more easily to others as well.
This is an ongoing journey for me and I don’t think I will ever get to whatever destination I thought I might get to when I was in my 20s! In fact, cliché as it might be, it really is about the journey, and not the destination, when it comes to healing. I have also learned that healing is most definitely not for the faint of heart. For me, healing has also meant grieving what I had and lost, what I never had and what can never be. It has also meant accepting all parts of myself, my needs and desires, even when these are counter to what cultural, social, and familial norms dictated. Healing has shined a light on how I can be both hurt and hurtful, oppressed and oppressor. I have had to recognize that I can have a tendency to go to “fight” when I feel threatened, disrespected or ignored, because this is what enabled me to protect myself and get out of abusive situations in the past, and to advocate for myself with gaslighting medical providers. However, this tendency can sometimes be counter to showing up in integrity with my values with the people I love. Claiming my own power and agency has meant learning how to set boundaries, asking for what I want and need, and ultimately accepting that, fun as it is to blame others, I am ultimately responsible for how I show up in this world, and that is all that’s really in my control.
While I believe that healing is indeed a lifelong process that it’s not for the faint of heart, I also truly trust that everyone can choose to participate in it. It’s not an elitist club that only some people can access, or that only therapists or medical providers hold the keys for. Healing is ultimately a choice, but it’s a choice that we can only engage fully in with the support of others. My healing journey is simply not possible without ancestors who paved the way through scholarship, writing, making medicine, or leading liberation movements. I cannot undertake this journey alone because ultimately healing, for me, also means coming back to relationship, to kinship with myself, mystery (or spirit, if you like), the ecosystem I am part of, and community. If this journey seems impossible for you right now, it’s ok. There are times when it feels impossible for me too, and there have been moments when I have enthusiastically cursed insightful reflections from others! All I can say is that, so far, it has been worth it. No matter how arduous it has been, or where it has taken me, this journey is leading me back to a deep sense of belonging I never thought was possible. Whatever your healing journey might be, I hope you find connection, support and belonging in it too.
Upcoming events and projects
The Virtual Keynote on “Disability Justice Principles and Neurodivergent Affirming Care in Systemic Practice” I gave for Antioch University’s CFT Programs 3rd Annual Virtual Research and Professional Conference on Wednesday, May 1st, 2024 was recorded and is available to anyone who would like to view it here (make sure you scroll down the page to see it). Feel free to let me know what you think!
Tabling with one of my partners and podcast producer, Root Holden, for my podcast Gender Stories (and maybe doing a live episode too!) at our local Trans Joy Fest in Duluth on June 9th, 2024. Come and say hello!
Four in-person training events (masks required) on Mi'kmaq’s territories, currently known as Nova Scotia (Canada):
A SAR on July 6-7, 2024 & an Advanced SAR on Kink on July 13-14, 2024. Online registration & full details on both SARs can be found at: bit.ly/SARHalifax
A “Working with Neurodivergent Clients from a Disability Justice Centered Perspective” workshop on July 11th, 2024. You can find out more and register at: bit.ly/NDHalifax
Thank you to the Queer and Trans Therapists of Nova Scotia (QTTNS) for hosting me and inviting me to do this! I have not done an in-person SAR, besides the advanced SAR at AASECT last year, since before the pandemic and this is the only SAR I have planned for this year! These SAR events are very affordable, compared to usual pricing, so I hope you will not miss them!
In-person training on October 5th, 2024 (masks required) on the territories of the Multnomah, Wasco, Cowlitz, Kathlamet, Clackamas, Bands of Chinook, Tualatin, Kalapuya, Molalla, and many other tribal nations who made their homes along the Columbia River, currently known as Portland, Oregon (USA). This is an AASECT-approved training for therapists, counselors, and coaches hosted by Connective Therapy Collective on “Working Systemically with Mixed-Orientation Relationships”. Watch this space or follow me on instagram for registration details coming soon. If you would like me to do something else in that geographical area, now it’s a good time to let me know and ask! Thank you.
An in-person relational intensive for couples &/or polycules on Abenaki territories, currently known as Stowe, Vermont (USA). This will take place on November 7-10, 2024 at the beautiful Sterling Forest retreat center, through my very new joint venture “Edging Hearts” with one of my partners, Natalia Holubec, LMFT. Follow us @edginghearts on Instagram or email us at info@edginghearts.com for more information on how to apply.
The book MJ Barker and I finished co-writing last summer, “How To Understand Your Relationships: a practical guide” will be published by Jessica Kingsley Publishers (JKP) on January 21st, 2025. The anthology I edited (and have 1 piece in) “Trans and Disabled” should also be published by JKP at that time!
I have two more books in the works and some other exciting projects I am brewing so watch this space!
Would you like me to do an event at your local, independent bookstore or hire me to speak somewhere? Please contact me directly for bookstore events or media queries, hire me through this speakers bureau, or check out my website for more information on speaking engagements: alexiantaffi.com Thanks!
Let’s support each other!
Remember: we keep each other safe, healthy and creative!
Operation Olive Branch is a grassroots movement to support & amplify aid requests of Palestinian families. They have a very useful spreadsheet with all sorts of opportunities to help! If you have been wondering about how to support people in Palestine during this time, this could be the resource you have been looking for! Please note that the spreadsheet has many tabs and that it might take a moment to figure out how to navigate it. You can learn more about Operation Olive Branch at their linktree here.
My fierce, sweet, and insightful friend Owen Marciano is having a membership drive for their business, Nonna Terra (Radical Tarot Readings & Spiritual Support), through June 1st. If you join their Patreon by June 1st, you can get 10 free minutes towards your next reading or a gift for someone. You can, of course, still join their Patreon after June 1st too! I have had several readings from Owen over the years and they are always incredibly powerful, magical and brimming with insights.
Angela Callais could still use your support please! She is a wonderful therapist, committed activist, skilled birth/postpartum doula, caring community member, loving mother, friend, and healer. I’ve known Angela for several years and, lately, she has had impactful and significant health issues, with the most recent one being a double cancer diagnosis. I understand all too well what it’s like to work for yourself in a country with no universal health coverage. It’s scary! Angela has recently found out that she had to have another operation this week, which will mean more time not working. Please support her fundraiser by donating and/or spreading the word with your networks, thank you: https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-angela-through-surgeries-cancer-and-full-recovery
Tay could also still use your support please! He is a Black, queer, disabled trans man who I first met when the Trans Youth Support Network existed in the Twin Cities. Tay has been facing various challenges, including being currently homeless and unable to work due to various health issues. He is applying for SSDI but, as many of you know, this is not an easy or accessible process. He could really use community support right now. His Venmo is @Tee-Crosby and CashApp is $TCaples Please help if you can and/or ask your networks. If you are able to provide ongoing support, that would be welcome as well!
What I am exploring in my free time
Please note that none of these links are sponsored. If I ever advertise something as an affiliate, I will make it very clear! Thanks!
Grey’s Anatomy and Station 19 have been back since earlier this year for seasons 20 and 7 respectively. A few years back, my daughter really got into these shows as well, and we have been watching new episodes together since. We even have matching Grey Sloan sweatshirts! Unfortunately now she’s at college, it means we need to find a time when we’re both available to watch them! I’m ok with this being my biggest parenting struggle right now, LOL What TV shows are you watching right now? I’d love to know!
I admit that I am a sucker for romance (not a surprise to anyone who knows me, I’m sure). This week I’ve been reading “The Letters We Keep” by Nisha Sharma and I’m finding it quite charming. There is something comforting for me in romance books (and cooking murder mysteries as well). When work, life or pain levels feel overwhelming, it feels good to have some sweet go-to things. What are your comfort reads?
If you made it this far, thank you! I hope you have found this interesting, useful or enjoyable in some way. If so, feel free to pass this on to a friend! Thank you for being here!
Let’s keep opening our hearts to one another (with consent and when it’s safe enough to do so) and transform our perspectives together!
Alex