Full Moon issue #6
Hello wonderful people,
How is your heart today? Take a breath and check in with yourself, if you like. My heart is heavy and overwhelmed, so I am going to take a little time to slow down and connect with y’all since writing often helps me feel less alone. Please read on and, as always, feel free to hit reply and let me know what you think, or what you’d like me to reflect on in future issues. Your questions, comments, and, above all, YOU are always welcome here.
Content note: brief mention of chronic suicidality in the reflection corner below.
If you need it, here’s a list of hotlines that avoid calling the police.
Reflection corner
Breathing through the overwhelm (or why I slow down when I feel frantic because my to-do list is too long).
I don’t know anyone who is truly ok right now. How about you? This makes sense to me. How can we be ok if we are plugged into the web of life right now? Climate crisis is causing devastation and death in multiple places, there are ongoing genocides, an upcoming election in the so-called United States, an ongoing pandemic, and generally trying to survive under late-stage capitalism. I don’t know if it’s the season, my age, or my capacity but doing anything right now feels like walking through molasses. However, as my beloved friend, queer sib and elder Donald Engstrom-Reese often says, we still need to get up, make our beds, feed our families, and somehow find some beauty, balance and delight within and around us. As per says too, despair is for the bourgeois, the rest of us cannot afford to dwell there. So I breathe, I look at the beautiful autumnal leaves outside my window, I remember to practice gratitude, even when I am crying, and, in fact, especially then.
My to-do list is long, too long right now, and my email inboxes are heavy with unanswered emails, which I am slowly getting through. A part of me wants to push full speed ahead, but the wiser part of me knows that this is the time to focus on what matters, and, most importantly, to slow down. You see, I truly believe that this sense of urgency within me is a red alert that lets me know that trauma is at play. Some of this trauma is not personal, it’s socio-cultural too. What happens if I don’t respond to all my emails? What will people think? Will I miss you on opportunities? Will people think I am flakey and not hire me? How will I keep paying the mortgage and putting food on the table if people stop hiring me? You see, it’s easy to spiral down, isn’t it. So I pause, and I breathe. I prioritize my to-do list. I separate time-sensitive tasks from those that can wait but, most importantly, I slow down. The faster I want to go, the more I slow down. I make sure I sleep enough, that I drink plenty of water, that I eat at regular intervals and that I connect with those close to me, even if it’s for a few minutes. The emails, and the to-do list will still be there in 5 minutes, or tomorrow, or the day after but, if I don’t take care of my bodymind, I will become even less able to manage them all. This might sound easy but it’s not. My inner critic can get ferocious when I slow down. I know they are just trying to protect me from shame, because I have an inner belief that, if I don’t overfunction, I will be of no use to others and, if I am not of use, then what am I for? Our nervous systems are so smart and find all sorts of ways to protect us and yet, if we’re not careful, we can lose sight of both what matters and what is not under our control.
When I slow down, I can breathe again and I can function, albeit slower. I can choose to meet my essential needs because I only have this one bodymind to see me through this life and, if I don’t take care of myself, the impact is felt throughout the web that holds us. I know that it seems paradoxical to slow down when the world is literally on fire, and it is most certainly a privilege because I live in relative safety right now. It is exactly because I have the privilege of relative safety that it is important that I show up at this moment with some capacity to take care of myself. There are others who are in need of care right now because they are in crisis, and I want the web that holds us to focus on those people who are the most impacted at this moment. So part of my job becomes to take care of myself so I can show up within my capacity and skill set. I breathe, I eat, I drink water, I hold what I can and prioritize. I remember to sing, to dance, to call on Mystery. This is especially important for me as someone who lives with chronic suicidality since overwhelm can easily spill into that ultimate flight response. Slowing down and taking care of myself is preventative and ultimately that’s beneficial to those closest to me as well.
If you too are struggling with overwhelm, you’re not alone. I feel I have been writing about overwhelm and exhaustion a lot since starting this newsletter and, in many ways, I am not surprised by that. This is the world we’re in right now. It is overwhelming. It is heavy. Personally, I find that accepting this, rather than wishing it to be otherwise, gives me the strength to keep fighting for a better and more liberated world in the long run. I slow down because life is a marathon, not a sprint, and I want to make it all the way to the finish line, wherever that is.
Upcoming events and projects
In-person training on October 5th, 2024 (masks required) on the territories of the Multnomah, Wasco, Cowlitz, Kathlamet, Clackamas, Bands of Chinook, Tualatin, Kalapuya, Molalla, and many other tribal nations who made their homes along the Columbia River, currently known as Portland, Oregon (USA). This is an AASECT-approved training for therapists, counselors, and coaches hosted by Connective Therapy Collective on Working Systemically with Mixed-Orientation Relationships. You can register here! If you have been postponing signing up, you can get 20% off with the code QueerCEs
I will be starting a new online AASECT Supervision Group on October 24th for those who are looking to become certified sex therapists! This will be a 2 hours group with 4 supervisees in it total and will run from 12-2pm CST. Below is the complete list for the group dates. The cost is $225 per person for each group session. I only have a couple of spots left so, if you are interested, please email me ASAP. Thanks!
2024 dates
October 24th
November 14th
December 5th
December 12th
2025 dates
January 9th
January 23rd
February 13th
February 27th
March 6th
March 20th
April 3rd
April 17th
More in-person training events (masks required) on Mi'kmaq’s territories, currently known as Nova Scotia (Canada)!
A SAR on October 22nd and 23rd, 2024 & an Advanced SAR on Kink on October 27th and 28th, 2024. Online registration & full details on both SARs can be found at: bit.ly/SARHalifax Both will provide AASECT CEs!
The Working with Neurodivergent Clients from a Disability Justice Centered Perspective workshop on October 20th, 2024 has been moved to a larger venue to accommodate more participants! You can find out more and register at: bit.ly/NDHalifax
Thank you to the Queer and Trans Therapists of Nova Scotia (QTTNS) for hosting me and inviting me to do this! I have not done an in-person SAR, besides the advanced SAR at AASECT last year, since before the pandemic and this is the only in-person SAR I have planned for this year! These SAR events are very affordable, compared to usual AASECT CEs pricing, so I hope you will not miss them!
In November, I will be giving two presentations at the Systemic Family Therapy Conference in Orlando, Florida (I know, I know, it wasn’t an easy decision). On Monday November 4th, I will talk about Doing Sex Therapy with Trans, Nonbinary &/or Gender Expansive Clients and on November 5th, I will discuss How Gender Liberation Can Benefit All Families. You can find out more about the annual AAMFT Systemic Family Therapy Conference and register here.
The book MJ Barker and I finished co-writing last summer, How To Understand Your Relationships: a practical guide will be published by Jessica Kingsley Publishers (JKP) on January 21st, 2025. The anthology I edited (and have 1 piece in) Trans and Disabled will also be published by JKP at that time! I have two more books in the works and some other exciting projects I am brewing, like a Neuroqueering Online Summit organized with Dr Sophia Graham, and a Book Club, so watch this space!
I got interviewed by Jessa Zimmerman for the BetterSex podcast on one of my upcoming book, How To Understand Your Relationships, you can give it a listen here, if you like!
Also, have you listened to the latest episodes of my podcast Gender Stories? It’s available wherever you listen to podcasts, including on YouTube!
Would you like me to do an event at your local, independent bookstore or hire me to speak somewhere? Please contact me directly for bookstore events or media queries, hire me through this speakers bureau, or check out my website for more information on speaking engagements: alexiantaffi.com Thanks!
Let’s support each other!
Remember: we keep each other safe, healthy and creative!
Intersectional Environment put together a great carousel on Instagram with mutual aid and local organization links to support people impacted by Hurricane Helene. You can find it here.
HEAL Palestine is a nonpolitical, nonprofit humanitarian organization with more than three decades of building programs and projects in Palestine. You can sign up for their newsletter, find out more and/or donate here.
Please let me know if there is a fundraiser, either personal or for an organization, that you would like me to lift up in this section! Thanks!
What I am exploring in my free time
Please note that none of these links are sponsored. If I ever advertise something as an affiliate, I will make it very clear! Thanks!
I watched The Decameron on Netflix and really enjoyed it! I had to study the book in high school in Italy so I loved watching this updated and very openly queer version (even though I still have a soft spot for Pasolini’s adaptation from 1971). I particularly loved the queer iconography echoing St. Sebastian’s imagery towards the end of the series (iykyk)!
The ballroom showcase went well and I loved it so much! If you would like to see the waltz routine I did, you can go to my Instagram here. I am so grateful that I still get to dance and I don’t take it for granted given my mobility issues. The next showcase is in March and I am planning a full-on choreography with our teacher! I promise to share in due course for those following my ballroom journey (and there might be a new podcast in the works exploring ballroom from a queer and trans lens... If you are a fellow trans and/or queer ballroom nerd, please get in touch with me).
I have been re-reading the wonderful memoir, Breaking the Curse. A Memoir of Trauma, Healing and Italian Witchcraft, by my brilliant editor Alex DiFrancesco (CN for sexual violence, trauma, substance use, suicidality, gender dysphoria). The second reading has enabled me to go slower and really notice connections and reactions within my bodymind. I find that reading stories and memoirs supports my own healing journey in ways that are hard to convey in words. It’s a powerful, moving and beautifully crafted memoir that I highly recommend (but please do note the content note and take care of yourselves as you read).
If you made it this far, thank you! I hope you have found this interesting, useful or enjoyable in some way. If so, feel free to pass this on to a friend or, better yet, pass on the link to subscribe directly! Thank you for being here!
Let’s keep opening our hearts to one another (with consent and when it’s safe enough to do so) and transform our perspectives together!
Alex